50 Things Not to Do On a Wraith Hiveship

  1. Set up Twister game mats
  2. Yell that Ronon is loose on the hive
  3. Yell, “Wraith!”
  4. Send the drones to mandatory classes at the Ministry of Silly Walks
  5. Put bumperstickers on all the darts: Todd for President!
  6. Break into the “Condemned” Commander’s cabinets of Olesian wine
  7. Call board meetings and pass out “Hello, my name is___” sticker tags
  8. Wear glow in the dark clothing and jewelry
  9. Add love pheromones into the ventilation system
  10. Sound the hive alarms when the most Wraith at any given time are bathing
  11. Run around while humming the theme from Mission Impossible
  12. Set up construction barrels and kissing toll booths in the corridors
  13. Walk around nonchalantly with a box marked “Danger: Hoffan Protein”
  14. Put up disco mirror balls in the interrogation room
  15. Tell the young Wraith to ask the adults what their feeding slits are for
  16. Hold games of Truth or Dare
  17. Break into their closets and fill their pants with your favorite dessert toppings
  18. Play hide and seek in the empty hibernation pods
  19. Use the interrogation platform as a stage for karaoke and telling corny hand and food jokes
  20. Hold Wraith/Lantean and Runner Reunion mixer parties
  21. Turn the dart bay into a fly-in movie theater, showing “The Room.” Good thing none of the Queens were nicknamed Lisa.;)
  22. Ask to press the large, blinking red button on the control panel
  23. Make electricity noises every time a technician works with power cables. Zzzzt!
  24. Insist on making traditional birthday cakes with one candle for each year the celebrants have been alive
  25. Inform any invading Lanteans that they must dance fight. Dance fight!
  26. Hand out Ceiling Cat religious tracts
  27. Sell life insurance policies on the cocoon decks
  28. Sell hand insurance policies to the Wraith
  29. Make dart engine noises when anyone gets in and out of the nearest transporter
  30. Wear “X-Ray Specs” and leer suggestively at Wraith passing by
  31. Draw realistic-looking prank feeding marks on sleeping Wraith
  32. Program the weapons control panels to make classic Asteroids sounds when energy weapons fire
  33. Fill the navigation podium’s handle interfaces with blue Jell-O (agar agar based, of course)
  34. Finish all your sentences with, “In accordance with the great culling prophecy.”
  35. Invite Lanteans over and have Easter egg hunts with The Defiant One’s grenades.
  36. Call every male Wraith by the name Kenny
  37. Start a rumor that the Second called the Commander “spineless”
  38. Hide love notes in their coat pockets, from one rival to another. See if anything happens
  39. Turn the data core bridge ways into catwalks for a fashion show
  40. Listen to the hive walls with a stethoscope
  41. Rent out the Queen’s throne room for wedding parties
  42. Open up a haircutting salon. Promptly hold a going out of business sale.
  43. Send Ronon a box of Lantean caricature cookies, labeled from a different hive
  44. Sell meal replacement diet products
  45. Refer to the ship as Lexx or Moya
  46. Install parking meters in the dart bay. You decide what the payments and fines will be.
  47. Camp out in sleeping bags resembling cocoons
  48. Set up a bowling lane, using Midway style stunner bombs as bowling balls
  49. Make a “Dart for Sale” signs and tape them to the canopies of random darts
  50. Put fake crack marks on the windows of random rooms
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